Would you like to Supersize that Stupidity Combo?

Here is a list of what I consider the ten dumbest things in the world:

1. Bricks (Dumb as a brick)
2. People in swimming pools that yell at their kids, friends or acquaintances "don't get me wet". (Sunbathers are not in the pool and are therefore, not on the dumbest list)
3. Mopeds! (Why not put a sign on your back that says "Please run me over.")
4. Inches! (Who decided that it was easier to count by twelve than ten?)
5. Inspector 308. (Can somebody that inspects jeans for a living be found in the deep end of the gene pool?)
6. Teenagers. (Having been one, I can vouch for the lack of intelligence.)
7. Illiterate people. (If they can't read this, then they are dumb.)
8. Cartoon makers. (If you compare the cartoons from the past with those found today, they have actually gotten worse in both content and artistic style. No wonder kids are getting dumber from sitting in front of the TV all day.)
9. Mothers that take their teenage kids to McDonald's to play on the toys. (See story below.)

I like to think of myself as having a magnetic personality. The only problem is that I seem to attract unusual situations and strange people like a fly to honey. Tannie wasn't feeling well on Wednesday, so I took Austin to McDonald's so he could run around on the playground they have there and also to get a bite to eat. What a blast! Austin was running around and having fun until "they" showed up.

I need to interject a comment here. I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person. When I was five, I generally understood that you are careful around little kids (they cry if you push them and then you get in trouble) and you don't attract the attention of older kids (you cry when they push you and then get in trouble if you tattle on them).

Back to the story. Obviously, these three 13 or 14 year-olds and by inference, their mother, were not as intelligent as I was at five. I had no problem with the teenagers playing on the McDonald's playscape, as long as they watched out for the little kids. Alas, that was not to be the case. They had been playing for about five minutes, when I saw one of them grab Austin by the face and yank him behind them so they could run up the tube.

I tend to remain calm until a certain point, which is when I explode. I saw the big kid do this and almost lost it then and there. Instead, I gathered a screaming Austin in my arms, gave him a hug and helped him calm down and assumed that the mother would chastise the kid, or at least give him a dirty look. To my surprise, nothing happened.

I kept my cool and let Austin go play again. About two minutes later, I watched as the same hoodlum grabbed Austin and threw him down the stairs and yelled at him to get out of the way. it was at this point that something amazing happened. I became the Incredible Hulk. My muscles bulged and all my clothes started ripping apart. I swooped in and saved Austin, turned his attacker to stone with a glance and descended on the negligent mother. (I really didn't turn into the Incredible Hulk and my clothes, regrettably, didn't start ripping to pieces, although if I had muscles that big it would have been cool. I did freeze the kid where he was with one look though. I think he saw that he was about ten seconds from dying a horrible death.)

I looked at the mother and waited about 30 seconds for her to say or do something. She did not. So I took matters into my own hands. I took my mortally wounded son (You would have thought he was going to die from the screams coming from him) and walked up to the mom and told her that either she was going to do something, or I was. She looked at me like she was confused and so I told her that her 13 year-old son had thrown my two year-old son to the ground twice. She gave me another blank look. Like I said, I was more intelligent at the age of five. I told her that she either needed to control he son, or I was going to have him kicked out of the little kids play area. She couldn't believe I would pick on her kid. "He's only 13" she said. I told her I didn't care and that if she wasn't going to control him, then I was going to speak to the manager. She didn't control him, so I found the manager.

The manager told me to just let it go. That probably wasn't the smartest thing to do to a protective father. I proceeded to tell him that he had two choices. He could go and tell the mother and kids that the signs say you have to be under four feet tall and under nine years old, so they would not be able to play on the toy any more, or I would walk across the street to the McDonald's corporate office and file a complaint against him personally.

He was smart enough to go talk to the mother. She left with her three hooligans. I am still trying to clean off the crusties (dirty looks) she gave me on her way out.

The next day, I was back at McDonald's with Austin and guess who was there. Yep. It was the lady and her three sons. She saw me walk in and immediately gathered her three sons and left. Normally, I would feel bad about intimidating a lady (term used loosely). This time though, I felt good. After the lady had left the day before, a couple of the other parents that were there, came up to me and thanked me because they were worried for their kids too.

Now, for those of you who noticed that number ten was missing from the list above, congratulations! You passed the test. For those of you that didn't notice number ten was missing, you can insert your name here:

10. _______________

Actually, the tenth dumbest thing I can think of is the button fly on jeans. Anybody who has had to use the bathroom in a hurry can testify that when buttons are next to a full bladder, they seem to expand until they are almost impossible to undue. The result being a rather embarrassing accident.

Dan Smith (a.k.a Big Bully)