I am surprised by what I do and don't know

Ten Things I Don't Know:

1. I don't know how much water I can put in my mouth before it starts dribbling down my chin, but it would be really helpful if I did.

2. I don't know how to play a musical instrument other than the nose harmonica.

3. I don't know why boys think bodily noises are funny.

4. I don't know why the oldest girl in Narnia makes me want to strangle myself and then set myself on fire.

5. I don't know how my little brother was able to get a hold of the "Dumbies guide to making Dan insane before the age of 16" manual. As far as I know, he had the only copy.

6. I don't know how my wife doesn't stab me with a spoon or anything else that is near at hand when I decide that it's "Let's bug Tannie time."

7. I don't know how Austin, my son, can be such a cool little kid, but be MY son. I know what I was like as a little kid.

8. I don't know how the little nerdy kid with the toothpick body frame and parted hair became this strapping young lad that writes such witty blogs.

9. I really don't know how I became so humble.

10. The last thing I don't know is what I don't know.

Ten Things I Do Know:

1. I know that if you yell "don't look", everybody within earshot will turn to see why they shouldn't look.

2. I know that yawns are contagious. If you watch somebody yawn, you will end up yawning also.

3. I also know that when changing a little boy's diaper, cold air will always get a reaction and that your face isn't necessarily the best thing to block that reaction with.

4. I know that little babies are devious creatures and that they purposefully spit up on your best silk ties.

5. I know that my wife is the best kisser in the universe.

6. I know that the last thing I said made everybody but my wife a little embarrassed and that it made my wife really embarrassed.

7. I know that it really hurts to wax your chest.

8. I know that even an 18-year old can get his head stuck under a bed.

9. I know that flatulence is just natures way of letting people know that their noses still work.

10. Lastly, I know that if your bum cheeks went left to right instead of up and down, slides would be a lot less fun and make flapping sounds instead of squeaking ones.

Yes, I even know that everybody reading this blog is overwhelmed by the breadth of my knowledge. For those of you that feel a lack of knowledge after reading this blog, don't fret, even you can aspire to these heights.

Dan Smith (a.k.a. Big Brain)

What's the worst that could happen?

What's the worst that could happen?

I love that phrase. In my experience, nobody uses that phrase unless they think they have all their bases covered. I think it is synonymous with the "pride comes before the fall." As many people know, my last day of employment with PricewaterhouseCoopers will be this Friday. I am excited about my new job and am finding it hard to concentrate or even care about what I am doing at PwC. As I was talking with one of my managers, they used the phrase I opened with. That started me thinking (a momentous occasion if there ever was one) about what IS the worst that could happen? Here are a few situations I came up with and what I see as the worst that could happen.

Situation 1:
You are on an African Safari and spilled some of your steak sandwich in your shirt without realizing it. What's the worst that could happen? As I see it, the worst that could happen isn't that you would be attacked and eaten by Lions, Hyenas, or other wildlife. That would be the best. After all, you didn't take me on the safari. The only way that would be the worst, is if I was also there. Then I would feel bad for you. And even being eaten on a safari isn't the worst. If you died, then you are done suffering. No, the worst would be if the lion or some other creature ate your nose. Not only would you look funny, but you could never wake-up and smell the roses, cut-off your nose to spite your face, and the worst part is you could never sneeze properly again. Think about it. If you sneezed hard enough, you might find your brain in your hanky.

Situation 2:
You are on your way to see your family, but run out of gas on the side of the freeway in a city known for its high amount of crime. What is the worst that could happen? This one is easy. You could accept a ride from a couple of aliens. Everybody knows that Albuquerque has a high crime rate and alien abductions are pretty high with Roswell, NM so close. The only thing I really need to say as to why this is the worst, has to do with the slap of rubber gloves and those alien abduction rumors.

Situation 3:
You are on a deserted island with another person and there is only one coconut. Yes, there are sandy beaches and the beautiful ocean, but the person you are stuck with is of the same gender as you. What is the worst that could happen? Well, the two of you decide to make the most of your time on the island and share the milk, but he/she refuses to wear the coconut bikini you made out of the two haves of the shell. This is the worst, because now you won't be able to see the after dinner show. (You are the show)

Situation 4:
You are dreaming that you are giving a speech in front of your church, office, etc and realize that you are naked. Not only that, but you dream that you are falling off a cliff at the same time. What is the worst that could happen? Just before you hit the ground, you forget what you were going to say in closing, thereby ruining what could have been a great speech, and also realize that you aren't really dreaming.

Situation 5:
You are reading a blog in the hope that it will lead you to a deeper and more meaningful life. What's the worst that could happen? You realize that the thoughts and ideas expressed in this blog ARE the deepest and most meaningful thoughts of your life and that you are better because of this reading.

I find it a bit ironic that when I run the spell-checker provided with this blog service, the word blog is not in the dictionary.

Live long and prosper,

Dan Smith (a.k.a. The deep end of the gene pool)

Happy Mother's Day Tannie!

Let me preface this blog by saying that although you might enjoy this blog, it is a blog specifically intended for my Hot, Beautiful, Cool, Funny, Cuddly, Hugalicious, Kissarific, Intelligent, Stylish, Hardworking, Spiritually Enlightened, Senorita of the Sexy Pants, Wife, Tannie. To all the world, I LOVE TANNIE!


Tannie,

I know it isn't the same as a regular Mother's Day, but your real Mother's Day will come next week. So instead of the normal stuff, here are all the ideas I had for helping you enjoy Mother's Day this week.. (Obviously, I chose the last one, but read and enjoy)

Ideas:

1. Have flowers delivered. This is your standard, everyday, "garden" variety Mother's Day gift. Yes, it does make Mothers feel special, but you are not your standard, everyday, "garden" variety mother. Since they don't make spectacularificly, gorgetastic flowers, I decided to stay away from the flowers.

2. Have a pizza delivered with the phrase "Happy Mother's Day Tannie" made out of Pepperoni. This idea was also shot down after a few minutes of thought. It is hard to think like a female. If you had received this, you would have been a little perplexed and thought it was funny, but there would have been no special love feeling that is supposed to occur upon receipt of a Mother's Day gift. For a guy, nothing could say I love you more than a pizza. Again, this was shot down because you are a sexy girl, not a guy.

3. Drive to Texas today to see you and wish you a Happy Mother's Day. Since there is no way I could get to Texas before Mother's Day was over, this idea was left as just that, an idea.

4. Buy you a house. I thought long and hard about this, but I don't think it is within our budget to have two houses, so you will just have to enjoy the one we just bought.

5. Give you a massage. This is a great idea. The only problem is about 1200 miles. Since my arms aren't that long and since I would prefer that I be the only one to give you a massage, you will have to accept the alternative. What is that you ask? A brain massage. If your brain doesn't feel a little mushy after reading this, then all I can say is that I tried. (The brain massage you are experiencing is not my Mother's Day gift to you, it is only a pleasant side effect.)

6. Send you an email. Although that would be fairly simple and I could tell you how much I love you, it just seemed lame.

7. Make a blog specifically for you, so that the entire world can know how much I love you. They can all see that I am the luckiest guy in the world to have found a wife that cares so much for me and our children. I am proud of you and hope you know I miss you a ton and love you even more. (Yes, even when personality 1000 is in charge of my brain). By the way, you should be happy to know that for the first time in the history of my brain, all personalities are getting a long and have unanimously voted to let you know they created this blog together and that they all love you.

I love you Senorita Sexy-Pants

Mr. Whistlebritches (a.k.a Your husband, a.k.a Dan)

I embarrassed myself in front of all my personalities

When we moved to Texas my senior year in high school, the five of us were stuck living in a Best Western motel for about a month. As can be imagined, we were a little cramped. The three of us kids rotated between sleeping in the queen bed for a week and then a sleeping bag. One of the running jokes was that each night, we would say good-night to each other and then I would start talking to myself. "Good-night" I would say and then answer with a "Good-night" to myself. After which, I would ask "What about me? Don't I get a good-night?" This would go on for about five minutes, at which point somebody would tell me to be quiet (usually it was me telling myself to be quiet).

What is the point of this little story you ask? Everybody needs a split personality. They come in very handy.

For example. Most people that know me fairly well (translated as more than five minutes), know that I have no brain-to-mouth barrier. I tend to say things first and then think about them later. With my "multiple personalities" however, there is always somebody to blame. "That wasn't me, it was me" was one of my personal favorites. Or, "I'm sorry, I took over and couldn't get control of myself before I said that." The great thing about the multiple personalities is that if somebody does get mad or hurt feelings, they aren't really mad at you, but at you. It is great.

All of me have worked out a plan. If I am grouchy, then it is not really me, but me #666. If I say something smart, then that is me #1, funny is me #2, stupid is me #A, and so forth. There are also some mute me's. They are the ones that are present when I am getting yelled at or in trouble. They are also the ones that come up with a lot of my "bad" ideas. That means that I am not getting in trouble or made fun of, but I am.

The great thing about multiple personalities is that you can develop them for specific situations. I am headed to Texas again in a few weeks and as fortune would have it, I will be living with ten other people, two of which are pregnant. This is the perfect opportunity to use my other personalities. Being human, there WILL come a point in time when the lack of a brain-to-mouth barrier will get me in trouble with at least all of the family I will be staying with. Unless it is personality #999, it won't be intentional. How do you deal with so many people that have different sensitivities and relationships? It may seem hard, but with numerous personalities, it doesn't have to be.

If somebody says something insensitive to me this is what I will do. I will put mute personality #226 in charge. He will get offended, but won't be able to say anything mean back. Then I switch out #226 for personality #342, which will try to understand why the person would say or do such a thing. Personality #342 will then tell #7 what the cause of the insensitivity was (did we hurt their feelings first and this is a response, are they just out of their element and this is their way of dealing with it, or are they just dumby faces). Finally, #7 will come up with a response that takes into account the fact that what was said was most likely not intentional, not meant to hurt the feelings of #226, and will help the offender understand that what they said was inappropriate or that there is a better way of saying it. This will be communicated from #7 to #1. #1 will then communicate this to the individual in a way that is probably not the best way but well intentioned. Hopefully, the other person also has numerous personalities and can find an effective means of dealing with the fact that when you have so many people with their own life's and ways of interacting with each other, there will be hurt feelings and toes will be stepped on, but that we all love each other and it isn't intentional.

The only flaw that I have found to the "Multiple Personality" system, is that there has yet to be a personality that can speak to a beautiful and attractive pregnant wife without saying or doing something that brings down the wraith of the "Bearer of the Baby." See what I mean about no brain-to-mouth barrier. And by the way, the lack of a barrier is usually the cause of the wraith.

#1 through 765, but not 766 through 1000 (a.k.a. Dan Smith)