I am a Jiggly Giraffe

After 28 years, 3 months and a handful of days, I have finally discovered who has the power in my family. A lot of you are probably thinking my wife, and although she has more than me, the answer would be wrong. Toddlers are the most powerful people in the world.

Here is an example. We were sitting around watching a little TV the other night and watching my son play in front of us. After a few minutes, he got up and started running in circles around the partition wall that separates the office area from the living room. After running a few warm-up laps, he wanted "Dada: to join him. I, of course, was tired, but was somehow persuaded to join him. We ran laps for about 25 minutes at which point I was tired and he was wound up. I do not believe that there is another person on the face of this planet that could convince me top run around in circles for 25 minutes. That is power.

Here is another example. I think adults lose the power to cry on demand. I know, the people in Hollywood can do it, but are they really any better or mature than a two-year old? Anyway, look at what we do to keep them from crying. We make funny faces, run to the other side of the house to find the toy they want, and the really good ones do something wrong and then get that "cute little cuddly teddy bear look" and then you end up huggin them instead of disciplining them.

The other day, Austin was supposed to eat his dinner, which he will fight us on occasionally. Instead of eating, though, he kept playing with this little giraffe toy that jiggled when you wound up the tail. When I saw that the dancing giraffe made him laugh (don't kid yourself, we all laugh at dancing giraffes), I thought what a great way to get him to eat. He takes a bite and then I make the giraffe dance. The idea being positive reinforcement. I think I was outwitted by a two-year old. After the second or third bite, the giraffe wasn't funny anymore. So "Dada" started jiggling with the giraffe. Eventually, I realized that this was his master plan all along. He would wait for me to jiggle and dance, then he would take a bite. He knew what he wanted. He didn't want us to just dine him. He wanted a dinner and a show!

Now that I have accepted the fact that my son is brighter than I ever was and that he can manipulate me at any time he chooses, life has become much easier. I have found a routine that works and show times are at 8 am, 12 noon and 5pm. I thought I was a the king of my castle, but it turns out that I am really the jester.

I better go, this Giraffe has got to Jiggle.

Dan Smith (a.k.a. Court Jester)

Twice the Pleasure, Twice the Dumb

There are some things in life that you have to have two of. Here are a few examples:

Twins! Can you imagine what the world would be like without twins? There would be no kids walking around in identical outfits and confusing everybody. The Weasly family from Harry Potter wouldn't be nearly as entertaining. Think of the parents that wouldn't have that nagging suspicion in the back of their mind that they might have gotten the twins mixed up when they gave them a bath. The worst thing would be that T.V shows would have to stop using the stupid joke about dating twins. Actually, that might help raise the quality of television.

The Roman Numeral for 2 (II). Would the Roman Empire have risen to greatness if they could never get past I (Roman Numeral for 1)? I can just see them trying to count their armies now. Caesar would ask his generals; "How many soldiers are they sending against our armies?" The generals would answer "I and I and I and I and......" By the time he finally got the whole answer, Rome would have been invaded. This may be false logic, because Austin seems to count just fine with and he can only say two. He will stand and count "two, two, two" and even though he only has the use of that one number, he still manages to jump on the count of three by only counting to two.

Ears! Now that would be a catastrophe. If people only had one ear, the world would be much different than it is today. If you only had one ear, you would have to keep on turning to hear a sound that wasn't on the same side of your head as your ear. People would get dizzy from spinning so much that the world would come to a stop. Scary, I know.

Two legs are also a requirement. First off, it wouldn't be legs, it would be leg. Nike, Reebok, and all the other big footwear companies would only be half as rich. Would stilts or Pogo sticks ever have been invented? Would a bicycle have only one wheel and become a unicycle? And what would a unicycle with one peddle look like?

Sides of a coin. What would happen if there was only one side to a coin. How many life-changing choices would never have been made? Can you picture the dilemma? I can see Sir Isaac Newton now. "Heads, I sit under the apple tree. Heads (one sided coin), I don't sit under the tree." Which brings me to another question. If Newton "discovered" gravity, then how did people stick to the surface of the earth before it was discovered?

I don't know about the rest of you, but I sure am glad that there are twins!

Dan Smith (a.k.a. ;-P )

Would you like to Supersize that Stupidity Combo?

Here is a list of what I consider the ten dumbest things in the world:

1. Bricks (Dumb as a brick)
2. People in swimming pools that yell at their kids, friends or acquaintances "don't get me wet". (Sunbathers are not in the pool and are therefore, not on the dumbest list)
3. Mopeds! (Why not put a sign on your back that says "Please run me over.")
4. Inches! (Who decided that it was easier to count by twelve than ten?)
5. Inspector 308. (Can somebody that inspects jeans for a living be found in the deep end of the gene pool?)
6. Teenagers. (Having been one, I can vouch for the lack of intelligence.)
7. Illiterate people. (If they can't read this, then they are dumb.)
8. Cartoon makers. (If you compare the cartoons from the past with those found today, they have actually gotten worse in both content and artistic style. No wonder kids are getting dumber from sitting in front of the TV all day.)
9. Mothers that take their teenage kids to McDonald's to play on the toys. (See story below.)

I like to think of myself as having a magnetic personality. The only problem is that I seem to attract unusual situations and strange people like a fly to honey. Tannie wasn't feeling well on Wednesday, so I took Austin to McDonald's so he could run around on the playground they have there and also to get a bite to eat. What a blast! Austin was running around and having fun until "they" showed up.

I need to interject a comment here. I consider myself a reasonably intelligent person. When I was five, I generally understood that you are careful around little kids (they cry if you push them and then you get in trouble) and you don't attract the attention of older kids (you cry when they push you and then get in trouble if you tattle on them).

Back to the story. Obviously, these three 13 or 14 year-olds and by inference, their mother, were not as intelligent as I was at five. I had no problem with the teenagers playing on the McDonald's playscape, as long as they watched out for the little kids. Alas, that was not to be the case. They had been playing for about five minutes, when I saw one of them grab Austin by the face and yank him behind them so they could run up the tube.

I tend to remain calm until a certain point, which is when I explode. I saw the big kid do this and almost lost it then and there. Instead, I gathered a screaming Austin in my arms, gave him a hug and helped him calm down and assumed that the mother would chastise the kid, or at least give him a dirty look. To my surprise, nothing happened.

I kept my cool and let Austin go play again. About two minutes later, I watched as the same hoodlum grabbed Austin and threw him down the stairs and yelled at him to get out of the way. it was at this point that something amazing happened. I became the Incredible Hulk. My muscles bulged and all my clothes started ripping apart. I swooped in and saved Austin, turned his attacker to stone with a glance and descended on the negligent mother. (I really didn't turn into the Incredible Hulk and my clothes, regrettably, didn't start ripping to pieces, although if I had muscles that big it would have been cool. I did freeze the kid where he was with one look though. I think he saw that he was about ten seconds from dying a horrible death.)

I looked at the mother and waited about 30 seconds for her to say or do something. She did not. So I took matters into my own hands. I took my mortally wounded son (You would have thought he was going to die from the screams coming from him) and walked up to the mom and told her that either she was going to do something, or I was. She looked at me like she was confused and so I told her that her 13 year-old son had thrown my two year-old son to the ground twice. She gave me another blank look. Like I said, I was more intelligent at the age of five. I told her that she either needed to control he son, or I was going to have him kicked out of the little kids play area. She couldn't believe I would pick on her kid. "He's only 13" she said. I told her I didn't care and that if she wasn't going to control him, then I was going to speak to the manager. She didn't control him, so I found the manager.

The manager told me to just let it go. That probably wasn't the smartest thing to do to a protective father. I proceeded to tell him that he had two choices. He could go and tell the mother and kids that the signs say you have to be under four feet tall and under nine years old, so they would not be able to play on the toy any more, or I would walk across the street to the McDonald's corporate office and file a complaint against him personally.

He was smart enough to go talk to the mother. She left with her three hooligans. I am still trying to clean off the crusties (dirty looks) she gave me on her way out.

The next day, I was back at McDonald's with Austin and guess who was there. Yep. It was the lady and her three sons. She saw me walk in and immediately gathered her three sons and left. Normally, I would feel bad about intimidating a lady (term used loosely). This time though, I felt good. After the lady had left the day before, a couple of the other parents that were there, came up to me and thanked me because they were worried for their kids too.

Now, for those of you who noticed that number ten was missing from the list above, congratulations! You passed the test. For those of you that didn't notice number ten was missing, you can insert your name here:

10. _______________

Actually, the tenth dumbest thing I can think of is the button fly on jeans. Anybody who has had to use the bathroom in a hurry can testify that when buttons are next to a full bladder, they seem to expand until they are almost impossible to undue. The result being a rather embarrassing accident.

Dan Smith (a.k.a Big Bully)

Ewwww, get that nomenclature off me.

I have always enjoyed a good word. Not the "Good Word", although I enjoy that also, but a good word. Here are a few of my favorite and why I like them.

Nomenclature: the act of giving a name to something. (Sounds like something you grew in a petri dish back in elementary school).

Gomer: The name of a comedy character. (How could you not like the name Gomer Pile?) What a great name. Not only is it a name, but it is also synonymous with moron. try putting another name in place of Gomer like this. Instead of "You Gomer!", try saying "You Dan!", or "You George!". Doesn't quite have the ring of Gomer.

Orifice: Need I say more. There are very few words that, by themselves, can make you cringe when you here them. Orifice, Orifice, Orifice. What is amazing about this word is the power it has. You can take almost any other word, even funny or nice ones, and add the word orifice and it changes the whole "feeling" generated by the funny word. Here are some examples:

- Funny word: Gomer, Not funny: Gomer's Orifice (translation: Gomer's Mouth)

- Funny word: Abundant, Not funny: There are Abundant Orifices (do we really need more than one?)

Gesticulate: Sounds like somebody with a spitting problem, which could be one form of gesticulation. How I would use the word. "Mom, Christy won't stop gesticulating at me!" It means to signals, especially when speaking. Actually, have you ever noticed those people that can't talk without huge bodily gyrations (another good word)? A single sentence for a normal person is almost like a broadway production for them. I always have a hard time talking to people like that without laughing. I try not to do it, but I try and imagine what it would be like if they had no arms. I don't think they could talk. All I can see is a person that looks like a hot dog would if you held it in the air and shook it back and forth. A wiggly, limp piece of meat.

Undulation: This is a really cool word. Waviness or to make wavy. Is n't it fun to say? You couldn't say "I undulated goodbye" for example. Wrong kind of wave. You could say that the ground seemed to undulate after your first smooch with the woman of your dreams. (that would be my wife Tannie. :)

Last, but certainly not least, is my favorite word. Underpants! It just makes you giggle. You have to be careful when you use a word as strong as underpants. You can't just walk up to somebody and say underpants. You may get a funny look, or you may get 10 to 20 years in a state penitentiary. I think the word is so coolo because of the associations it brings to mind. Here are a few: Tighty-whities, long johns (why not long gregs?), booty, poop (just a fun word), "What ya eating under there?", the list just keeps going.

I know that everybody reading this is feeling much more intelligent. I hope that you will all go out and share your new found knowledge with a stranger (just don't use underpants) and help them to become as articulate as you have now become.

Dan Smith (a.k.a. Captain Underpants)