Just trying to figure out how to put pics of family in here.

I wish my head was a helium balloon.

Wouldn't it be cool if your head was really a helium balloon? Just think about it. You could look however you wanted with an erasable marker. Want to be happy, just draw a smile. Sad, erase the smile and draw a frown. If you see somebody you don't want to recognize you, just erase your blue eyes and use a brown marker. Draw a mole or two and then make your nose bigger or smaller.

It would also be really hard to insult somebody with a balloon for a head. Try it. For example, you could be called an air head and it would be true. If somebody tells you to let off some steam, you could let a little air out, this would also work for a "big head" too.

You would never have to worry about a hat that didn't fit, cause you could change the size of your head at will.

Another plus is the fact that you would never drown. Yep, your head could be used as a flotation device.

There are a few downers though. You would never be able to pierce a part of your head.... Police officer asks what happened and the poor lady with the needle gun says "I just put this needle gun to his ear and his head exploded."

Static charge would be a pain also. If you ever dragged (drug? not sure what the past tense subjunctive form is for drag) your feet, you would run the risk of your head getting stuck to walls.

You would also have a really annoying voice. It may be funny for a while, but would anybody want to hear that voice all the time.

Now that I think about it, maybe a Helium balloon for a head isn't such a great idea. A jelly-doughnut though...

Laters,

Dan, the deflating man, Smith

De-poopifying the stupified masses.

It is six days short of one year since my last post. I have a son that turns one on the 25th, but can't really blame him for my lack of posts. Instead, I will blame grass. Not the drug kind, but the kind you mow. If you're not trimming it, you are weeding, watering, fertilizing, chasing dogs off it and the de-poopifying it. It never ends.

After that last sentence, you should all be feeling a wee bit dumber and are now ready to get to know me. I am usually against deep thinking and other brain busting use of my noggin, but I thought this was a great idea. My wife is doing it, my in-laws are doing it, everybody is doing it, so now I will do it. My wife was sent an email or something that asked her to fill out a list of 101 things about herself and then post them to her blog. Have fun reading and please understand that I am not liable for any emotional trauma you may suffer from getting to understand me better.

101 Little Known Facts About Daniel A. Smith:
1. I claim chartreuse as my favorite cause it sounds cool, even though it is butt-ugly
2. Red is my real favorite color
3. I was an Art Major when I started college
4. I actually find accounting more interesting than art
5. I want to own my own Accounting Firm at some point in my life
6. I also want to earn a living playing video games
7. I was a Halo addict
8. I do not own a video game system any more and will not let my kids get one
9. I like to dream I can fly
10. Sometimes I will lay down at night and try to make myself lift off the bed
11. I have never actually succeeded in flying
12. I was an all-American goalkeeper
13. Soccer has always been my favorite activity
14. I have been knocked unconscious 11 times, broken my nose 4, broken every finger and toe but my ring finger, broken more ribs than I can count, cracked my cheek bone and nasal passage, broken my shin and spiral fractured my left arm playing goalie
15. I have broken more bones on other people than have been broken on me
16. Part of the reason I like to play goalie is the rush as I dive in front of a charging attacker
17. I think that I am slightly crazy
18. It drives me nuts if my wife adjusts the nobs in the car
19. I don't get cold, unless I am sick
20. If I get busy, I forget to eat
21. I forget to eat a lot
22. I secretly fear that I will die before I see my family grow up
23. I wish that I could stay home with my family all day and not work
24. I am a jerk sometimes and I enjoy it
25. I think I should have been born in the medieval period
26. I love Dungeons & Dragons and anything related to Knights, Dragons and Wizards
27. I am studying for the CPA exam
28. I think I can pass all four sections on the first try, but am afraid I will not pass any
29. I like my gray hair
30. I do not want any more gray hair
31. I love the way it feels to hold my two little boys
32. I am scared to death to have a daughter
33. I think a daughter would make my family complete
34. I have always wondered if what I see as green is the same color that you see as green, or if my green is your red
35. Zoolander is my favorite movie of all time
36. I almost kissed Tannie (my wife) when I was engaged to another girl
37. I never kissed or cheated on a girl in any way
38. I have never tasted or had any part of tobacco in my life
39. I know the answer to "What would Jesus do?"
40. I have kissed fewer girls than I have fingers
41. I love to float underwater and feel and hear nothing
42. I like the fact that I have big feet
43. I think Tannie and I make a good match
44. I think I was lucky to have caught Tannie
45. I am so single minded, that when I read, I literally cease to hear anything around me
46. I thought I was a better artist than my wife in high school
47. Now I think I was wrong and just overconfident
48. I like taxes
49. It wasn't until I moved to Texas that I learned to like Bar-B-Que
50. The one profession I would like more than accounting and full-time video playing is Chef
51. I think I would get bored of video games after about a week of playing non-stop
52. I want to run with the bulls in Spain
53. When a confrontation occurs (that does not involve my family), I am a chicken and only think/do the brave things in my head
54. I got in the face of a guy who was screaming at my mom when we were swimming laps. I unnerved him enough so that he backed off and I was only fourteen.
55. I took Brazilian Ju-Jitsu for a year
56. I have performed CPR twice and they lived both times
57. I was so scared after performing CPR that I cried
58. I hate lazy people. Not the kind that have lazy moments, but the kind that always have an excuse as to why their life is bad.
59. I actually like being alone more than being with people (my wife is the exception. she is my better half)
60. I am an introvert by nature, but have had to develop my extrovert facade in order to make it in the world
61. I hate being told what to do and will do the opposite sometimes just because I was told to do something
62. Tannie thinks I am the most stubborn person in the world. I really just hate change
63. I think I would not be a good member of our church if I did not have my Wife as an example.
64. I am physically addicted to Dr. Pepper
65. NARF!
66. I have no brain to mouth barrier
67. Most of the time, it doesn't bother me that there is no barrier
68. Poop is one of my favorite words
69. I am embarrassed by my teeth
70. I have a droopy eye that doesn't open as far as the other and really bugs me when I see my photo
71. I trained as a goalie with current members of the US National soccer team (not to be translated as trained with the US soccer team)
72. Breaking my arm and ending my soccer career was one of the best things that could have happened to me. I got to rep[lace that dream with my family and current career
73. I want to be successful, so that I can share the money with my family and make life easier for them
74. I want to do a one month survival course
75. I have a knack for being the center of negative attention, but am not usually the one at fault
76. I think I am too emotional
77. I want to live on a beach
78. My favorite vacation activity (most of the time) is to sit in the house and watch T.V.
79. The only reason I dress half-way decent is cause my wife has a good sense of style
80. I hate going to bed before midnight
81. I really wanted Logan's (my youngest son) middle name to be Ender
82. My favorite books are "A Separate Peace", "Ender's Game", and The Wheel of Time series
83. I have an almost photographic memory of faces and can recognize people that I saw once ten years ago, but have troubles remembering the name of people I have worked with every day for five years
84. I have a really hard time distinguishing between background noise and the person speaking to me
85. One of the Partners dislikes me for some unknown reason, but thinks that I should be promoted
86. I love to make people that dislike me have to promote, respect or acknowledge that I am good at what I do
87. I have developed the memory of a goldfish when it comes to "To Do" lists that people give me
88. I am a workaholic by nature
89. I can fall asleep in almost any situation within five minutes
90. I can't remember lyrics or movie lines to save my life
91. My favorite music groups are The Beach Boys, Toadies, Queen and Offspring (in that order)
92. I am proud of the power of my flatulence and that I once cleared a school bus on the way to a swim meet
93. I am glad that my wife finds my flatulence embarrassing
94. I think my wife is the perfect height
95. I like to smell my wife when I give her a hug
96. I want my boys to grow up to be better men than I am
97. I want a Velcro room in the corner of my office in my dream home
98. I have always wanted to play in a pool (full-size) of pudding as long as it isn't banana
99. I wonder if X-ray vision is really all it is cracked up to be
100. I want to write a book about all of the unique experiences I have had
101. I think that my wife invented the greatest character name in the world. Dorkus Butsnark

I am glad we had this little moment together. Hopefully, you will not receive a perma-stupification.

Later

His diaper made me do it!

It has been a couple of months since I last updated my blog, but I have had a lot happening. To start with, I have moved my family from Utah to Texas and started a new job. Other than the fact that it took four days to drive and for some reason, my ankles turned into cankles, everything went pretty smoothly. My cankles have now been upgraded to ankles again and I will never have to spend that much time in a Penske truck again.

The only other exciting thing that happened on the trip was the flat tire that left me stranded and waiting for a repairman and the lesson I learned about unloading a car from a car trailer. If you have ever seen a car on a trailer moving down a hill with no truck attached to it, you will know what I mean. Let me just say that it is more exciting from the inside of the car and that the breaks in a car only work when the car is actually on the street and not on the trailer.

Besides the move and new job, we have moved into a new house. We learned our lesson from the house we owned in Albuquerque. It took three full-size dump trucks to haul away all the trimmings, weeds and other stuff that I removed from that yard. This time, we decided that the "less is more" theory was a good choice. The less work we have to do on the house the ... Actually, it seems like there is always more work to do on a house. I guess the theory is really "less here is more somewhere else." We love the house and it is perfect for our family.

What does the title of this blog have to do with the body of the blog? Nothing to this point, but now for the main reason behind the blog. Logan Zachary Smith was born to Tannie and I on July 25, 2006 at 11:48 am, after 29 hours of labor. Actually, it was 2 hours and 45 minutes, but people who were in labor for a long time don't think it is fair we had a short labor. When I say we, I really mean Tannie. I really didn't do anything.

Most men would say that they were there with there wife. They supported her, soothed her, gave her massages, etc. Not me. For fathers that have been called away from home and can't get back in time, they are "there in spirit." Not me. I was there physically, but that was about all. Take a look below.

Me, Birthing Fluids, Floor. Any questions?

All I really remember of the birth is holding Tannie's hand and leg one second and telling the nurse that she had better hold the leg because I felt dizzy. The next thing I knew, there was a pillow under my head and the nurse was in my face asking if I could hear her. I guess it took about three other four minutes before I could. (For all you soon to be fathers, this is the best way to go through the birth. You get a pillow, your own nurse, and they even bring you orange juice!)

After all the excitement, this is what we got for all of Tannie's efforts.

Logan Zachary Smith, 8lbs 8oz, 19 5/8"

Having a baby is sure a lot of fun, but it takes a while to realize that it was fun. Between the lack of sleep, messy diapers, being peed on constantly, a really exhausted and sore wife and a two-and-a-half year-old Jedi named Austin (Did I mention being peed on a lot?) you tend to get a little frazzled.Austin the Jedi

Frazzled? Yes, frazzled! Between Tuesday afternoon and Thursday afternoon, when we took Logan home, I ran into the hospital doors, read a magazine twice and didn't realize it was the same one until later, and missed the turn to my own house. Now that we are home, life is back to normal. Just kidding. Austin loves his brother sooooooooooo much, we fear that poor Logan may get smothered by it. And somehow, this little guy produces more poop than Austin, Tannie and I combined. How is that possible? I can hardly think of a time in the last few days when we have been able to get the first diaper completely changed without having to get a new one because he pooped or peed again while we were changing him.

Well, that is enough about poop, pee, diapers and Jedi's. Here are a few more pictures of our happy family. The force is strong in this young Jedi. Adios!

I am surprised by what I do and don't know

Ten Things I Don't Know:

1. I don't know how much water I can put in my mouth before it starts dribbling down my chin, but it would be really helpful if I did.

2. I don't know how to play a musical instrument other than the nose harmonica.

3. I don't know why boys think bodily noises are funny.

4. I don't know why the oldest girl in Narnia makes me want to strangle myself and then set myself on fire.

5. I don't know how my little brother was able to get a hold of the "Dumbies guide to making Dan insane before the age of 16" manual. As far as I know, he had the only copy.

6. I don't know how my wife doesn't stab me with a spoon or anything else that is near at hand when I decide that it's "Let's bug Tannie time."

7. I don't know how Austin, my son, can be such a cool little kid, but be MY son. I know what I was like as a little kid.

8. I don't know how the little nerdy kid with the toothpick body frame and parted hair became this strapping young lad that writes such witty blogs.

9. I really don't know how I became so humble.

10. The last thing I don't know is what I don't know.

Ten Things I Do Know:

1. I know that if you yell "don't look", everybody within earshot will turn to see why they shouldn't look.

2. I know that yawns are contagious. If you watch somebody yawn, you will end up yawning also.

3. I also know that when changing a little boy's diaper, cold air will always get a reaction and that your face isn't necessarily the best thing to block that reaction with.

4. I know that little babies are devious creatures and that they purposefully spit up on your best silk ties.

5. I know that my wife is the best kisser in the universe.

6. I know that the last thing I said made everybody but my wife a little embarrassed and that it made my wife really embarrassed.

7. I know that it really hurts to wax your chest.

8. I know that even an 18-year old can get his head stuck under a bed.

9. I know that flatulence is just natures way of letting people know that their noses still work.

10. Lastly, I know that if your bum cheeks went left to right instead of up and down, slides would be a lot less fun and make flapping sounds instead of squeaking ones.

Yes, I even know that everybody reading this blog is overwhelmed by the breadth of my knowledge. For those of you that feel a lack of knowledge after reading this blog, don't fret, even you can aspire to these heights.

Dan Smith (a.k.a. Big Brain)

What's the worst that could happen?

What's the worst that could happen?

I love that phrase. In my experience, nobody uses that phrase unless they think they have all their bases covered. I think it is synonymous with the "pride comes before the fall." As many people know, my last day of employment with PricewaterhouseCoopers will be this Friday. I am excited about my new job and am finding it hard to concentrate or even care about what I am doing at PwC. As I was talking with one of my managers, they used the phrase I opened with. That started me thinking (a momentous occasion if there ever was one) about what IS the worst that could happen? Here are a few situations I came up with and what I see as the worst that could happen.

Situation 1:
You are on an African Safari and spilled some of your steak sandwich in your shirt without realizing it. What's the worst that could happen? As I see it, the worst that could happen isn't that you would be attacked and eaten by Lions, Hyenas, or other wildlife. That would be the best. After all, you didn't take me on the safari. The only way that would be the worst, is if I was also there. Then I would feel bad for you. And even being eaten on a safari isn't the worst. If you died, then you are done suffering. No, the worst would be if the lion or some other creature ate your nose. Not only would you look funny, but you could never wake-up and smell the roses, cut-off your nose to spite your face, and the worst part is you could never sneeze properly again. Think about it. If you sneezed hard enough, you might find your brain in your hanky.

Situation 2:
You are on your way to see your family, but run out of gas on the side of the freeway in a city known for its high amount of crime. What is the worst that could happen? This one is easy. You could accept a ride from a couple of aliens. Everybody knows that Albuquerque has a high crime rate and alien abductions are pretty high with Roswell, NM so close. The only thing I really need to say as to why this is the worst, has to do with the slap of rubber gloves and those alien abduction rumors.

Situation 3:
You are on a deserted island with another person and there is only one coconut. Yes, there are sandy beaches and the beautiful ocean, but the person you are stuck with is of the same gender as you. What is the worst that could happen? Well, the two of you decide to make the most of your time on the island and share the milk, but he/she refuses to wear the coconut bikini you made out of the two haves of the shell. This is the worst, because now you won't be able to see the after dinner show. (You are the show)

Situation 4:
You are dreaming that you are giving a speech in front of your church, office, etc and realize that you are naked. Not only that, but you dream that you are falling off a cliff at the same time. What is the worst that could happen? Just before you hit the ground, you forget what you were going to say in closing, thereby ruining what could have been a great speech, and also realize that you aren't really dreaming.

Situation 5:
You are reading a blog in the hope that it will lead you to a deeper and more meaningful life. What's the worst that could happen? You realize that the thoughts and ideas expressed in this blog ARE the deepest and most meaningful thoughts of your life and that you are better because of this reading.

I find it a bit ironic that when I run the spell-checker provided with this blog service, the word blog is not in the dictionary.

Live long and prosper,

Dan Smith (a.k.a. The deep end of the gene pool)

Happy Mother's Day Tannie!

Let me preface this blog by saying that although you might enjoy this blog, it is a blog specifically intended for my Hot, Beautiful, Cool, Funny, Cuddly, Hugalicious, Kissarific, Intelligent, Stylish, Hardworking, Spiritually Enlightened, Senorita of the Sexy Pants, Wife, Tannie. To all the world, I LOVE TANNIE!


Tannie,

I know it isn't the same as a regular Mother's Day, but your real Mother's Day will come next week. So instead of the normal stuff, here are all the ideas I had for helping you enjoy Mother's Day this week.. (Obviously, I chose the last one, but read and enjoy)

Ideas:

1. Have flowers delivered. This is your standard, everyday, "garden" variety Mother's Day gift. Yes, it does make Mothers feel special, but you are not your standard, everyday, "garden" variety mother. Since they don't make spectacularificly, gorgetastic flowers, I decided to stay away from the flowers.

2. Have a pizza delivered with the phrase "Happy Mother's Day Tannie" made out of Pepperoni. This idea was also shot down after a few minutes of thought. It is hard to think like a female. If you had received this, you would have been a little perplexed and thought it was funny, but there would have been no special love feeling that is supposed to occur upon receipt of a Mother's Day gift. For a guy, nothing could say I love you more than a pizza. Again, this was shot down because you are a sexy girl, not a guy.

3. Drive to Texas today to see you and wish you a Happy Mother's Day. Since there is no way I could get to Texas before Mother's Day was over, this idea was left as just that, an idea.

4. Buy you a house. I thought long and hard about this, but I don't think it is within our budget to have two houses, so you will just have to enjoy the one we just bought.

5. Give you a massage. This is a great idea. The only problem is about 1200 miles. Since my arms aren't that long and since I would prefer that I be the only one to give you a massage, you will have to accept the alternative. What is that you ask? A brain massage. If your brain doesn't feel a little mushy after reading this, then all I can say is that I tried. (The brain massage you are experiencing is not my Mother's Day gift to you, it is only a pleasant side effect.)

6. Send you an email. Although that would be fairly simple and I could tell you how much I love you, it just seemed lame.

7. Make a blog specifically for you, so that the entire world can know how much I love you. They can all see that I am the luckiest guy in the world to have found a wife that cares so much for me and our children. I am proud of you and hope you know I miss you a ton and love you even more. (Yes, even when personality 1000 is in charge of my brain). By the way, you should be happy to know that for the first time in the history of my brain, all personalities are getting a long and have unanimously voted to let you know they created this blog together and that they all love you.

I love you Senorita Sexy-Pants

Mr. Whistlebritches (a.k.a Your husband, a.k.a Dan)